All The World
by jkdg3461
Summary: MWPP era. Sirius hooked up with Lily: what will James do? How do Remus and Selene's hair come into this? Will James ever get the girl?
1. Oh no he didn't!

**Setting:** MWPP era, sixth-year Hogwarts

**Ships:** SiriusLily, JamesLily, SiriusOC (I wish Microsoft Word would stop putting those angry red lines underneath my ships)

**Warning:** Crack!, slightly OOC, OCs abound

**A/N:** Haha, SiriusLily is like 'seriously' _(mad grin)_. Dedicated to Shealtiel. Yes, dude, it's finally finished! (:

**.-xXXx-.**

"You're an obnoxious, irritating, obdurate, headstrong –"

"– adorable, wonderful, absolutely _perfect_ –"

"– arrogant, pigheaded _git_!"

"Ah, but you love me, Evans."

"Shut up."

Lily was sitting cross-legged on the ground under the large beech tree, looking up through her fringe as Sirius struck a pose.

Then he knelt down and pressed a soft, open-mouthed kiss to the red lips that pouted at him. She smiled and pulled him closer.

Neither of them noticed a curtain high above them twitching shut angrily. A certain ebony-haired Gryffindor Chaser disappeared into his dorm in a flurry of rage.

**.-xXXx-.**

"Did you find Sirius?" Remus asked from the floor, lying on his back with a book held high above his head.

"You'd better believe I did!" James' voice roared from behind his curtains. "That stupid mutt is going to _die_!"

"Whoa," Remus said. "What'd he do? Wait – he didn't attack Snape without you, did he?"

Silence from behind the curtains, which had nothing to do with Remus' refusal to call Snape "Snivellus".

Remus laughed nervously, "Or did he get off with Evans before you did? That must be it."

Suddenly the book was torn from his grip and James was standing above him, wand in one hand and Remus' book dangling from the other.

"_Did you know_?" he hissed.

"Did I know _what_?" Remus sat up, still wary of James' wand.

"Sirius. Evans. Together." James' voice was surely an octave higher, a definite sign that he was close to hysteria. "I saw them! They're near the lake! Together! Sirius and Evans and Evans and Sirius and they're _together_, Remus, _together_!"

"Calm do–"

"_Don't tell me to calm down_."

Remus blinked. "I wasn't."

James stared incredulously at Remus for a few seconds, and then burst into shaky laughter.

"Wait, what do you mean, they were _together_?" Remus asked, now that the wand was no longer pointed directly at his face.

James' laughter abruptly stopped and he stiffened, a single tear of mirth still dripping down his face. He sat down heavily on the floor next to Remus, leaning against the foot of his bed.

"_Together_ as in they were sitting together, and they were laughing, and joking, and _kissing_, Remus," James said icily, throwing Remus' book at him.

"Sirius? Kissing _Evans_?" Remus repeated, eyes huge, unable to stop the horror creeping into his voice. His book hit him in the face. "Sirius was kissing Evans and she didn't _Crucio_ him, or hex him, or jinx him, or, at the very least, punch him? No tossing of the hair and flouncing away? She _let_ him?"

"She bloody well did," James said numbly. "When I get my hands on Sirius, I'll –"

"You'll tell him what a great, sexy, thoughtful mate he is, and do his Transfiguration homework for him, of course," Sirius' voice was cheery as he sailed through the door. "Why, thanks, Prongsie. That lot's usually left up to Moony, but you're welcome to it."

James' teeth were gritted as he ground out, "Not bloody likely."

"You're not that bad," Sirius said airily, and then his smile faltered as he finally noticed the look on James' face.

"You are _so_ dead," James growled, reaching for his wand.

"Prongs, please… Moony? _Remus_! _Help_!" Sirius shouted.

Remus was hastily backing away towards the door, saying, "I have to – um – water my – books. Yeah… Books… Bye!"

There was a quick flash of light and Sirius was hanging upside-down in the air at the same moment the door closed behind Remus.

"Prongs – James – _please_," Sirius implored. "We're _friends_, right?"

"That just makes it worse!" James yelled, pacing around Sirius like an agitated Hippogriff in a cage.

"Yeah!" Sirius' flushed face brightened. "Stupid Peter. It's all his fault, isn't it?"

"How _could_ you, Sirius?" James cried. "You _know_ how I feel!"

"Uh, James," Sirius said, the grin replaced by a look of horror. "I think it's time you knew – I don't exactly – um – feel the same."

James jerked his wand and Sirius fell to the floor in an ungraceful heap. His hair stood upright on his head thanks to his sojourn in upside-downness. Sirius moaned aloud and clamped his hands over his head, apparently trying to restore it to its supposed past state of perfection.

"So you're messing around with peoples' emotions here!" James bellowed. "Their _minds_! How could you do this to me, Sirius!? After all we've been through, after I let you move in with me, and you go and do THIS!? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! BEST FRIENDS, EVEN! HOW COULD YOU, SIRIUS!?"

Sirius stared at James confusedly. His hands came to rest in his lap, but his hair still made him look as if he'd been electrocuted.

"What are you _on_ about, Prongs?" he finally asked. A few loose tendrils of hair floated downwards, brushing his ear.

"YOU!" James roared. "YOU AND EVANS!"

"Oh." Sirius flushed, his hand frozen halfway to scratching his ear. "_Oh_. Oh, shit."

"Exactly," James snapped.

"Prongs," Sirius pleaded, "before you Transfigure me into a matchbox –"

"– I was thinking of turning you into a piece of paper, actually," James interrupted. "See, then I could write _SIRIUS IS AN UGLY, TRAITOROUS GIT_ all over you and burn you in the Common Room fire, and no-one would be any the wiser."

Sirius' face went from beetroot red to absolutely pale.

"Please, James," he whispered hoarsely. "Before you do _anything_ to me, please just hear me out."

James twitched an eyebrow.

"_She_ came onto _me_," Sirius said apologetically, shrugging.

James took a moment to glare at Sirius before flouncing away and slamming the door shut behind him.


	2. Marmalade

James deigned himself desperately tired enough to return to the dorm at two in the morning. A flat-haired Sirius was sitting on the end of James' bed, staring at the door.

"Prongs, mate," Sirius said quickly, "Listen, I –"

"Don't want to hear it," James said straight away. He threw Sirius off the blankets and crawled in fully dressed.

"But James –" Sirius tried again.

Remus groaned and buried his head underneath his pillow. Peter snored loudly and rolled onto his stomach.

"La la la," James said, his voice muffled by the blanket.

"You're acting like a three-year-old," Sirius pointed out, making himself comfortable on the floor.

"_You're_ acting like a sixteen-year-old asshole that just stole the girl of my dreams," James snapped. "Oh, wait – you _are_ a sixteen-year-old asshole that just stole the girl of my dreams! Fancy _that_!"

Sirius sighed. Once James was mad, there was no point in trying to convince him otherwise.

But, being Sirius Black, he liked to do pointless things.

"What if I told you that she was using me as a practice dummy to perfect her kissing skills, and that she's going to ask you out tomorrow at breakfast?"

"I'd say that you were a stupid idiot, and to leave me alone."

"Well, she was using me as a practice dummy to perfect her kissing skills, and she's going to ask you out tomorrow at breakfast, James."

"You're a stupid idiot. Leave me alone."

**.-xXXx-.**

Breakfast the next day was the most awkward thing that Remus had ever experienced.

"Pass the marmalade, James," Sirius said from James' right, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

James appeared not to hear. He picked up the marmalade and passed it to Remus, who was sitting on his left.

Peter squealed, grabbed the jar and started enthusiastically piling marmalade onto his toast.

"Pass the marmalade, James," Sirius repeated testily. James shrugged and examined his fingernails.

Peter looked from James to Sirius and kept spreading marmalade.

"Remus, could you please pass the marmalade?" Sirius asked. Remus held up his hands as if to say, _I'm not getting involved in this_.

"Pass the marmalade, Peter," Sirius sighed. Peter looked at James, who gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

"James says no," Peter stated, scraping the bottom of the marmalade jar.

"Remus, could you _please_ just pass the goddamn marmalade?" Sirius snapped.

Remus plucked the jar out of Peter's hands and slid it to his right.

James picked the jar up and passed it back to Peter.

Peter looked around furtively and started piling more marmalade onto his toast.

Remus sighed and took the jar away from Peter again.

Glaring, James gave it back to Peter.

The jar was passed between the three boys like a retarded game of Pass the Parcel. Sirius sat back, eyebrows raised.

There was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find Lily Evans standing behind him.

"Here," she said, handing him a jar of marmalade.

He shot her a winning smile and took the jar. She grinned and headed back to her seat.

James looked from the jar in Sirius' hand to Peter's plate. (Peter's toast had a six-inch-thick layer of marmalade on it.)

Peter placed the empty marmalade jar on the table and, with a happy sigh, reached for his toast.

As Sirius cracked open the new jar of marmalade, James grabbed Peter's toast from his fingertips and smashed it into Sirius' face.

**.-xXXx-.**

"What am I supposed to _dooooooooooooo_?" James moaned, lying back on a red couch in the Common Room. Remus peered at him over the top of his book.

"Don't ask me," he muttered, disappearing behind his book again. "It's not like I'm the smartest and most mature out of all of us."

James appeared not to hear.

"Remus, you're smart and mature," he said loudly. A few people glanced up from the tables in the corner, and then looked away.

"What should I do?" James sighed. "I mean, it's Sirius."

"It is indeed a serious situation," Remus replied gravely.

James threw a cushion at him and sighed again, burying his head deeper into the sofa.

Remus shut his book and placed it in his lap.

"Okay, you know Sirius," he said carefully. "He'll be over her in two days, a week tops."

"What's your point?" James replied miserably, his voice muffled by the sofa.

"Well – all you have to do is _distract_ him. Make him get over her quicker. It'll be easy as cake."

"Pie," James corrected. "But how do I –?"

A light bulb appeared to flicker on inside his brain. Remus was overjoyed.

"Maybe," James said slowly. In Remus' eyes, the bulb was beginning to burn brighter now.

"We could distract him with another girl," James muttered. The bulb was brilliant now, so brilliant that Remus almost had to shield his eyes.

"Quick!" James cried, jumping to his feet. "We've got to go to Slughorn's office!"

And, oh no… The bulb flickered faintly, and then died.


	3. Polyjuuuuuice

"What are we doing in Slughorn's office?" Remus said. James hushed him and continued to rifle through the various flasks in the cupboard.

"Yes, but what are we doing in –?" Remus tried again. James accidentally dropped a flask of amber-colored liquid onto the stone floor. He swore softly.

"James, what are we doing in –?" James hushed him and kept searching.

Remus looked nervously at the half-closed door.

"It's a Sunday afternoon, James," he hissed. "Slughorn could be back at any moment, and we're –"

"AHA!" James hissed triumphantly, holding up a large flask. Remus started to laugh hysterically.

"Remus?" James whispered perplexedly, lowering the flask. Remus was doubled over in laughter.

"Remus, what's wrong with you?"

"That – tickles!"

"_What_ tickles?"

"M-my feet! Hahahahaha!"

Both boys looked down.

The amber liquid that James had previously spilt was eating through Remus' shoes.

Remus gave a squawk of alarm and stopped laughing. Smoke was issuing from the soles of his shoes.

He and James looked at each other.

"I guess this means – run?" James whispered.

Remus nodded, and they did just that.

**.-xXXx-.**

"Tell me, Remus," James said, firmly locking the door to the bathroom. "What do you know about snogging?"

If Remus thought this was an odd question, his surprised expression and furtive glances at the door didn't give it away.

"I – not much, I don't think," he muttered, sitting on the closed toilet lid. "James, I'm not going to snog you.

"I hope not," James snapped. "Because that's not part of the plan."

"So, what's the plan, then?"

"Okay," James said, holding up a single strand of long, brown hair. "I lifted this off Sirius' jumper just then. I have no idea whose it is, but I _think_ it's a girl's. We snitched Polyjuice Potion from Slughorn. Do the math."

"You're turning into a girl to distract Sirius?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Well – no," James admitted. "I need to be there for Evans to cry onto when she finds out that Sirius cheated on her."

"Then…" Remus said slowly, frowning. "If you're not going to turn into a girl… Who is?"

James pursed his lips together and turned away. He popped the cork off the flask and slipped the hair into it.

"Um…" he said, gripping the neck of the bottle. The liquid within hissed and turned into a sickening pale pink.

James and Remus looked at the flask and simultaneously shuddered.

"Who's going to distract Sirius?" Remus asked urgently.

"Well…" James said awkwardly, setting the flask near the sink. "You're my best friend, right, Remus?"

Remus stared at him for a moment. Then it clicked.

"No," he said. "NO. That is so incredibly, fundamentally, amazingly, jaw-droppingly, absolutely head-shakingly wrong, NO."

"Please, Remus?" James pleaded, dropping to his knees.

"NO!"

"_Please_?"

"Your puppy-dog eyes have no effect on me, James!" Remus' voice crept up an octave.

"PLEASE, REMUS!" James cried, tearing at his hair. "PLEASE!"

"In fact, I think they make you look like an ugly, overgrown basset hound!"

"Please?" James crawled over to Remus, plonked his chin on Remus' knees and looked up at him beseechingly.

"James, _no_!"

James flopped onto the floor and sighed dejectedly.

"I'd do it for you," he muttered.

"Next time I ask you to change your gender to lead one of our best friends astray, I'll remember you said that," Remus cried hysterically.

"I won't," James replied honestly. "So – uh, will you do it? _Please_?"

Remus studied James carefully. This was ridiculous. No, this was beyond ridiculous. James wanted Remus to – to masquerade as a _girl_ and to _seduce_ Sirius!?

"Are you joking!?" Remus shouted, although it probably should've been obvious by this point that James was totally, utterly serious. "Hell no!"

And with a final incredulous glower, Remus jumped to his feet and slammed out of the bathroom.

James sighed and slumped onto the floor. He'd show that werewolf who was boss…

**.-xXXx-.**

The next morning, Remus cautiously sat next to James at breakfast.

"No hard feelings?" Remus asked, holding out a scarred hand.

James surveyed him over the rims of his glasses.

"No way, buddy," James yawned, gripping Remus' hand for a moment and then dropping it.

"Hey, guys!" Peter cried excitedly, throwing himself into the seat on the other side of Remus. "Guess what?"

"You've finally found another brain cell to keep your other one company?" James asked seriously.

Peter stared at him. "What?"

"Nothing," Remus said hastily, noting the serious lack of Sirius at the table. "What is it, Peter?"

"I saw Sirius and Evans K-I-S-S-I-N-G," Peter's voice dropped to a whisper, "And then Snivellus caught 'em and he started screaming like you wouldn't believe! So Sirius had to hex his B-A-L-L-S off, and Slughorn caught him!"

"Really now?" James twitched one hand towards his wand.

"No!" Peter squealed.

"_What_?" Remus asked confusedly. While Remus was distracted, James pulled a small vial of Polyjuice out of his pocket and tipped it into Remus' drink.

"Well – the part about them K-I-S-S-I-N-G was true," Peter admitted. "And so was the bit about Snivellus catchin' 'em… But he still has his B-A-L-L-S."

"I don't even want to know how you know that," James muttered, placing the empty vial back in his pocket.

"There you go," Remus said, turning back to James. "Ask Snivellus! I'm sure he'd be glad to help you!"

"Yes…" said James shiftily. "Drink up."

Remus reached for his goblet, but then Peter stopped him.

"Hey, Remus, look!" he cried. "What's that in your pumpkin juice?"

James smacked his head against the table in defeat.


End file.
